My Family and Fertility (Part 2)

Through the responses I have received from my initial post "Families and Infertility", I have decided that this should become a series of posts covering the topic of infertility from my point of view. I cannot write from the point of view of people who have adopted or are currently seeking to adopt. I also cannot write from the perspective of those who have been able to have advanced fertility treatment. However, below is my story.

My name is Amanda, and my husband and I have been married nearly 3 years. We have never used contraception or chosen to use Natural Family Planning as a means to abstain from having children.

My story actually begins when I was a sophomore in college. Our local Catholic student organization had brought in our local Natural Family Planning coordinator to give us the basic information on Natural Family Planning. I knew her outside of NFP because her eldest daughter was 3 years younger and we had attended Diocesan youth functions together. She gave us facts about the process of NFP, the rates of effectiveness, and why the Creighton model worked scientifically. It was funny to watch the guys squirm but it made a lot of sense. It also clarified questions I had about my own body that had never been answered by my mom.

I was in a serious relationship with a guy that I was discerning marriage about so I decided to sign up for the next one on one starter class. That class was great but also made me think about why I was choosing NFP. At that time, it was for my health and I wanted to get off hormonal birth control for my periods for good.

I had been on HBC for a year to "control" my cycles. I was seeing many of the symptoms of a normal cycle before HBC but not during. Something stirred inside my thoughts saying, "that isn't right." So with guidance from my doctor, I stopped taking HBC and tried Creighton. Using Creighton was amazing and I learned so much. I also learned that once you have information, you can't let go of it. Many of the NFP habits I developed then I still maintain now.

However, I kept loosing my stickers my charts, having issues with what I should be marking things as and waiting on others. My charts were a mess, I was a mess, and I was having trouble at school. Since I wasn't engaged yet, I thought it would be prudent to wait to start again until I was engaged.

My reproductive health became a bit scattered again and when I went for my check up the doctor asked for my family history. It wasn't the greatest but I also mentioned everything from my grandmother, paternal aunt and mom. The doctor looked at me like I was broken. He prescribed me HBC again with the warning that if I ever wanted to think about having kids I needed to know two things, one I needed to take HBC until I was ready to get pregnant to save my fertility and I needed to get pregnant by the time I was 28 if I was ever going to have kids. I gave the prescription to my mom and started taking it as recommended.

Going into my Senior year I became very sick. My cycles would shut down, I'd start to get weak and I even passed out in the chapel for no apparent reason. The only thing I could put my finger on was the HBC. This time I didn't even consult a doctor about my medication, I threw out the HBC. I started charting again and meeting with my Creighton mentor. I made another appointment and told a new doctor what had happened and she agreed I shouldn't take HBC but agreed, 28 was the magic deadline for kids.

Fast forward to two years out of college. I had grown lax in my charting but I always knew where I was in my cycle what was going on and things were relatively healthy. I had dumped my long time boyfriend and started dating my now husband. We are both Catholic and wanted to start charting together. This didn't work out, my previous mentor was a mom from the homeschool group he belonged to and the only other teaching couple in the area was one of his professors. Thankfully there are many new smartphone apps and charting programs online to learn and implement. That's what we use still today.

We were married and decided not to abstain but not actively try to conceive either. We had moved for work to an area where there weren't many teaching couples and even fewer NFP friendly doctors. I had been in recently for a large anovulatory cycle and the doctor brushed me off because I wasn't pregnant and I was fat. That's the only reason my body was acting out. No tests, no checking, just get used to it. Somehow the same magic statement of "If you want kids, you better be pregnant by 28" was still there.

Since our marriage we've had two miscarriages. The first we were shocked and excited at the "pregnant" sign on the view window but as I kept testing lines got lighter and lighter. When I called into my doctor, she didn't want to see me but because I was early, I'd be fine passing "it" at home. I was told to treat it like a heavy period. So I did. I was only about 6-8 weeks along but I knew when I had passed her. I was in shock and didn't know what to do. In a blind panic I ended up flushing my little girl down the toilet. It wasn't until a few days later it had sunk in what I had done. I still pray for forgiveness for that every day. Our second is still fresh and I'm not comfortable sharing that story.

Currently I have a wonderful doctor who is willing to work with me and order needed tests for my husband and I. However, right now with our current insurance, we are not able to get the tests we want done. Although this doctor doesn't buy into the magic 'pregnant by 28" it is still a fear that looms on the horizon and that horizon is getting closer. We wait patiently and continue charting. We've placed our children and any others God may give us into his hands because as parents, it's the least we can do.

Families and Infertility (Part 1)

I know I haven't been posting lately for one reason primarily, I knew I couldn’t be charitable. This comes about because of a topic that has been nagging me a lot in the back of my mind, married infertility.

There are two articles which finally spurred me into reflectively writing about this. The first is an article by Fr. Robert Barron, “The Very Sad Childfree Life” which I first encountered at strangenotions.com, and “Of Wedding Bells and Baby Booties: 10 Reasons to Have Kids Early in Your Marriage” from Katie Peterson Warner at The Integrated Catholic Life.

Both of these articles are very good reads and provided a lot for me to think about as a young married woman. The reason that these articles stirred so much in me is, I am a late 20’s married Catholic, who practices NFP with my husband of almost 3 years. We desire to have children and cannot. Our lack of children is not by choice and if we had a choice we would have a little one preparing for at most their second birthday and a newborn in our arms. Instead we have our little apartment with only 7 fish and each other to take care of.

If you have read the above articles you can figure that my husband and I are not the 20 something couple who has chosen to not have children, but how would you recognize us in a restaurant, grocery shopping, or speaking to us in church? We do go on dates, we try our best to take care of each other, we enjoy the company of each other and our friends. We try to take trips and visit family. We wouldn’t look any different than those who have chosen to not have children. Fr. Barron is spot on in his title, “The Very Sad Childfree Life”, except we realize what we are missing and cannot bring it into our lives.

Katie Peterson Warner is also spot on in her article. I have watched these characteristics shine through many of my friends and in-laws who are recently married and having children. It’s amazing to watch them grow and strengthen their marriages and realizing at the same time that my husband and I are more like our unmarried friends than them.

I know at surface value these may seem like selfish and superficial reasons to desire children. At least for my husband and I, these aren't our only reasons.

Most married couples can attest to the two functions of sex in marriage, to be unitive and reproductive. It is also common scientific knowledge that there is only a small window that a woman can conceive a child in. It is a true miracle for any child to be conceived in any act of intercourse. One of the blessings of any form of Natural Family Planning is that I could tell you on any given day, my cycle date, which “phase” of my cycle I'm in, whether I’m waiting or not to see if I'm pregnant and a whole other plethora of “too much information”.

It’s a battle of potential doctor’s appointments, progesterone, blood draws, vitamins, and personal health issues to see a test with only one line on it. A struggle to keep yourself positive when you are overthinking every symptom that your body has to say of whether is it pregnancy or is it PMS. The courage to look at every period as a chance to start fresh rather than what did we do wrong. A challenge to not cry a little bit for every pregnancy announcement, story of a family member who had infertility and got pregnant naturally, or stick to your beliefs and not cave to medical treatments like IVF.

I will fully acknowledge the good work that institutes like the Pope Paul VI Institute has done for Natural Reproduction to enhance a couple’s chance to have a natural conception. I am thankful Church documents like Familiaris Consortio, Donum Vitae, and Dignitas Personae, for at least acknowledging that infertility is a struggle, even for a brief moment.

This is the cross my husband and I carry. It is often heavier than I can imagine and barely noticed by those we haven’t told. I know that those who share stories of those who have suffered infertility and had children are only sharing their joy. The truth is, it doesn't always turn out that way. Rather let me tell you this story.

My husband and I are happy to say that we are performers. We love being involved in concerts, plays, musicals and anything that lets our love of the performing arts be shared with others. On our wedding day, we stood in a large Cathedral, without microphones, and stating our consent to marriage and vows publicly. We wanted to be heard and would have screamed it from the rooftops if we could have.

We had stated our intent twice, we had come together freely and with the intent to honor each other for the rest of our lives. The priest asked us if we were willing to accept children lovingly as a gift from God. Our “yes” resounded even louder. Our two year old nephew who was just learning to speak his mind chimed even louder, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” to the laughter of us and our guests. As the laughter died down, my husband and I looked back at each other and in hushed voices said yes, smiled and continued through the mass.

I still look back on that and laugh today, but now I have a little whispering voice wondering if it wasn't at least a little prophetic of the struggle that my husband and I have today.

In writing this, I’m not saying that these other articles have said something wrong. I just find it painful that people who I love and trust have thought this is our choice or that we could wish or pray a child into being. I am writing this to show others that this is a struggle that many couples are facing and that I can’t be the only woman who is looking to guidance from our clergy others who are facing this struggle as well.

I Can Understand the Allure of In Vitro Fertilization

This past week I was on a blessed and relaxing vacation with friends and family. Part of the holiday weekend was spent with my husband's family for a family get together. Over the past few years the family joke was that someone was always pregnant. This was apparent by the 6 children present under the age of 5.

My younger sister-in-law had just given birth 2 months ago and no one else was pregnant. My in laws looked to my husband and I for a surprise announcement but we didn't have any news to share. The secret we had only shared with our respective parents was that we had suffered a miscarriage in November, I would have been about 7.5 months along this past weekend.

Over this past weekend I met my newest niece and the child of my best friend, both these beautiful bundles are less than 4 months old. I have never seen their mothers happier than I did seeing them holding their children, at the same time I have never been more ashamed of how much I wished to have a child.

In vitro fertilization is the combining of a sperm and egg outside of the act of sex and replacing that egg back within the mother. Extra eggs and sperm are combined and saved in order for a higher rate of pregnancy or to try again for additional children. This practice is condemned by the Catholic Church because of the undertaking of playing God by all parties involved. It is also condemned because of the reckless wasting of life through the mingling of sperm and egg. Each of these zygotes also contains a human soul which regardless of implantation or not, means they are still humans. There is a waste of life because of the low implantation rate and that many of these children will not be "utilized" for a pregnancy.

However even with the cost I can see the allure, the desire and craving that parents seeking IVF as an option see. The chance of having a beautiful, biological, child of your own out weighs a lot for many parents. If I did not have the beliefs I did, IVF would be a very tempting option indeed.

However I look inside myself and know IVF is never an option for my husband and me. Let's go through a couple reasons here.

1.     I am not God.

Sex as a marital act requires both husband and wife and including God as the author of life. It is because of this relationship that heterosexual marriage mirrors both the relationship of Christ and his Church as well as the Trinity. By removing God as the author of life we are attempting to play God. Medical science would simply say that they are working to overcome a natural deficiency of the body, we are eliminating the need for faith and trust. We are coping the choice of Adam and Eve's first sin, trying to be as God.

Secondly, I don't always know what's best for me. Just as the parable of the parent who always gives good gifts, I may be asking for the wrong gift to fulfill what is best for me. So as my spiritual father, God will not give me a gift at just because I asked for it. There may be a greater wisdom in asking us to wait.

2.     Delayed gratification over instant.

There is no doubt that our modern society places an emphasis on what I can receive now without waiting. Once a woman finds out she's pregnant, she still has to wait 9 months to meet her child but, it doesn't make her any less of a mother. Because my husband and I are still waiting for a child to be born from us, doesn't make us any less of parents, but how joyful will we be when we are finally able to hold our child and have them safe in our arms.

3.     I have other places to put my time.

My Nephews

There are mother's who can do it all. They work full time, take care of their children, volunteer, keep their home running smoothly and more that I cannot imagine. I have met these women and stand in awe of them. At this time in my life, I don't know if I can ever be one of them. As it stands, I have other children that are in need of my time, they are the students working to grasp and take ownership of their faith, my nephews learning to save the world and friends who are beginning their lives with their children. I am allowed to work crazy hours and take time to delve into other passions. While I still crave and long to be a full time parent, I understand that there are other needs that I can devote myself too in the meantime.

With these reasons, it is still hard to wait. I have prayed very choice words in frustration, heartache, and humility trying to find answers. The biggest answer I have received through prayer is "wait and see." I fully acknowledge the desire to want a child, but are incapable of having one, yet. However, until the answer I have received changes, I will wait and see what the Lord has planned for me.

Recalling Life's Pilgrimages

It's not often that I find myself reading Marc Barnes at Bad Catholic and agreeing with how he presents topics to his readers. A recent post he made titled "The Difference Between a Pilgrim and a Tourist" really caught me off guard.

I have had many chances to play both the tourist and the pilgrim in my life and occasionally I've left as the tourist and returned as the pilgrim and visa versa. For example on a music "ambassadorship" I attended across Europe our group was often asked to sing in various churches and historical sites. One of which was St. Mark's Cathedral in Venice, Italy. It was a beautiful experience. I entered the church, finding the tabernacle and genuflecting per all Catholic churches we entered and we were ushered off by someone behind the Communion Rail to perform. Our first piece was a double choir piece called "Music Be Praised" the acoustics were wonderful and the tones we hit just lingered in the air. The next piece we sang was "O Magnum Mysterium" or "Great Mystery". In a Cathedral of that magnitude, there was no doubt for me, that my voice was lifted in prayer and hopefully also being echoed by St. Mark, whose relics are interred there. I entered in a tourist amongst those paying patrons seeking the frescos and ornately decorated facades and left a pilgrim honored to sing before Christ, his martyrs and saints.

In his post Marc has this to say.

The pilgrim does not walk into a cathedral because it is "a sight," but because he believes God allows himself to be present between the pillars. The tourist walks into the same cathedral because he believes culture is there, but what he does not recognize - drifting past the statues, tombs, and ribbon-rising incense - is that the culture is there because of the God and cannot be "experienced" in it's fullness without this raison d'etre [purpose], this thing, this fact that has basilicas, chapels and shrines roaring out of otherwise dignified villages in a constant fire-alarm of clanging bells, streaming people, drifting smoke, sprinkled water, and pitiful pleas for salvation. The second-hand experience is not the experience. To see something because it is a "sight" is not to see it for precisely what it is.

This reminds me of one "accidental" pilgrimage I found in my own life.

Living where I did after college, I found myself in a unique predicament. I lived in a town with around 20 Catholic Churches within a 25 mile radius. Two of these Churches were actually Cathedrals. The Twin Ports area of Minnesota and Wisconsin are both blessed enough to have their own Cathedral and they couldn't be more different from each other. During college I bounced between the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Rosary, and two other parishes for Mass, Confession, and volunteering in youth ministry. I knew I wanted to find a place where I could engage with all these aspects in one location.

It wasn't until I had completed school and was working full time my boyfriend pitched me an idea, why not start attending masses and the sacraments with him. It wasn't a bad idea and although "across the bridge" into Wisconsin, it was a trip over that I was making frequently. That summer I fell in love with the people, what they did and how they served. It also happened that the rector of the Cathedral also served the small, local Newman Center which my boyfriend had gotten me involved in. Soon I had registered with the parish and was becoming a part of the community.

Engagement Spot
Copyright 2011 Derek MontgomeryUsed With Permission

When my boyfriend asked me to marry him we both knew we wanted to be married at the Cathedral of Christ the King. This put us in a strange predicament when reading the bulletin, it stated that in order to be married at the Cathedral, you needed to be a member for a minimum of 6 months. I did the math and I had only been a member for four months. My fiance told me not to worry and scheduled a meeting with the Rector and it turned out he had been a member since he began school there 2 years ago.

We eagerly began planning the "rest of our lives" when I accepted a job in Iowa. If you've been keeping track of the states, I lived in MN, he lived in WI and now I'm moving to IA. We sped up our wedding classes and "completed" them, on the stipulation that we would have a meeting every time I came home for a visit. We completed 6 meetings and the FOCUS test and results in 3 weeks. Along with me getting everything together for our wedding.

I moved and was quite lonely. The job wasn't anything like they promised and I was looking forward to any chance I had to go home. Especially the big, comfy Cathedral that we were going to be married in. The priest I worked for gave me extended time off for the wedding which was much longer than I was supposed to receive over the following three years. Greatful I soaked up the winter and spent time with my friends and family, working when I could and attending to last minute details.

When I could, I would "run away" to the Cathedral in order to find peace, quiet and a shred of sanity. I couldn't wait to embark on our new life and every time I was there I couldn't help but imagine the love and grace we would share there in a very short time.

Duluth + January = Brrr
Copyright 2011 Derek MontgomeryUsed With Permission

When the wedding day came, it was a slightly blizzardy January morning and we wouldn't have it any other way. We were going to be married. Most of my fondest memories of that day were contained in that Cathedral before God and with our families because we were standing there faithfully before each other and God.

Since then we have moved back to Minnesota and are quite a distance away from the Cathedral of Christ the King. We still go there whenever we are in the area which is about 2 or 3 times a year. We see people who remember us, but the most important is the presence of God that resides there. I am always moved to my knees in awe and wonder and I pray that I never lose that and only seek to gain that where ever I attend mass.

I found purpose there, my feelings and experiences are different because I can see the threads that God has woven together in my life surrounding this one place. Even today as we belong to a wonderful community that we hope we never have to leave, our deepest prayer is always to return there to be in union with that community as best we can.

In two weeks, we will be able to seek another pilgrimage there. I will see if there are times that we can receive Reconciliation and attend more than a weekend mass. I will gladly pray and rejoice in the Cathedral and know that God walks amid the pillars and is present all through that sacred place.

Copyright 2011 Derek MontgomeryUsed With Permission

Until then I will prepare for that pilgrimage by always entering into my home church with the same devotion and respect that the Cathedral of Christ the King evokes in me as well.

Flirting with the Thin Pink Line - Updated

This article was originally published on my first blog, Defined By Faith. I have edited it to update some personal information and glaring grammar errors that I found.

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I live in a different world than many of my peers. Many are planning their exact 2.1 children, schools they will attend, and sports they will play. I am left wondering when or if my husband and I will ever have children.

Before you think I'm off my rocker, bear with me a bit. Medically, primary infertility is defined as a healthy couple trying to conceive for 1 year without achieving their first successful pregnancy. This is where my husband and I lie. We've been married and trying for 27 months.  Every month has been a struggle to wait and see what will come, then dealing with the heartbreak with each single pink line.

For some women one pink line is reason for rejoicing. Whether it was a failure of birth control, not ready for a child for any reason, a single pink line is a comforting thought. For me, one line often results in a minor emotional breakdown.

There are many times I get stuck with thoughts that tell me I'm not going to be a mother, or that I'm being punished for something I did. There are other times when I feel rotten for fighting back tears when I should be happy for friends and family who are expecting. Most often, though, I feel alone. So, I went searching for answers.

While doing research on the Papal Document Humanae Vitae, I stumbled upon another document entitled Donum Vitae. This document, published by the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith in 1987, has a small section titled, “The Suffering Caused by Infertility in Marriage.” Here is an excerpt from that section. The emphasis is retained from the original text.

Nevertheless, marriage does not confer upon the spouses the right to have a child, but only the right to perform those natural acts which are per se ordered to procreation. A true and proper right to a child would be contrary to the child's dignity and nature. The child is not an object to which one has a right, nor can he be considered as an object of ownership: rather, a child is a gift, "the supreme gift" and the most gratuitous gift of marriage, and is a living testimony of the mutual giving of his parents. For this reason, the child has the right, as already mentioned, to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents; and he also has the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.

I read that, and I can't help but recall a conversation I had with my mom. 

When I was little, like any kid, I would grab random toys off the shelves in a store and ask for them. Occasionally, it would be the same item on separate trips. Since we didn't go shopping together more than once a month, Mom would often get the hint that this was something I was truly interested in. After I had heard “no” enough, I would stop asking. Then one day I would find a surprise, and it would be the item I had been asking for. Naturally, I would be even more excited because I received it as a gift. Just like Mom, God will give good gifts, and is also the giver of that “supreme gift” of a child.

A child “is a living testimony of the mutual giving of his parents.” When my husband and I were dating, we would often hear from our married friends that “someday our love will grow so large that in 9 months, we will have to give that love a name.” Whether our friends knew it or not, they were speaking a great truth of their sacrament. Sure, it can be argued that a child might be brought into a family situation that is less than ideal. But God understands the positive impact that can be brought into a family if they choose to view a pregnancy as a gift, rather than a burden.

How does all this relate to the lack of fertility? Alone or not, infertility is something that many people encounter. As I've been writing this post, I think it comes down to perspective. I can look at the situation my husband and I are in and either find it as a way to grow or a way which will lead to despair. I often need to remind myself that infertility is not the end of the world. Ultimately, God is in control of my life. The gifts he will give me are great. I can choose to be persistent in prayer, but, ultimately, I am called to be patient.

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Since the original publishing of this article I've learned so much more about the grace and love which God can give. We still have not conceived but have been able to look at the work that we are able to do without having children of our own. Although we still desire children of our own, my husband and I are able to devote more time to those we serve through my job as a youth minister. My husband and I are also working to improve our state in life by paying down debt and improving ourselves to be better parents should that day ever come. Until then we both wait patiently and try to echo the Fiat that Mary gave, that everything be done according to the will of God.