Being Sensitive to Those With Infertility (Part 3)

Over the past two posts, I have shared the need for awareness among families who are struggling with primary or secondary infertility and my own struggle with infertility. In this one of the graces that I've received is strength and support from my sister in laws. Honestly I'm still getting used to having "siblings" but it's a great blessing. One thing that my sister in law told me was that she was there for me. Although she has great fertility and the sweetest nephews and niece I could ask for, she told me she was glad to know what we were going through. She didn't try to offer advice, she didn't didn't try to tell me "it's God's will" she just let me talk. Below are things that can help those who are dealing with infertility.

1. Know that we are grieving.

Grief is often known as huge or mounting sadness caused by loss. While for those with infertility, they may not have suffered a miscarriage, though many have, they are grieving the loss of their dreams for the "perfect" family. Also just like grieving a loved one there will be strange triggers that may bring back deep feelings of grief.

2. Don't belittle our losses.

One of the hardest things I've ever heard was someone telling me I could always get pregnant again after I had lost my child. While a child who is miscarried may not be "real" to you, that child is very real to a parent who lost them. There are always outside influences that you may not know of that caused this loss and the parents are trying to deal with them.

3. Please listen to what we are saying...

I know for me, talking about infertility can be really hard. When I come to my friends and just need to talk, thes best thing is to know that we are being listened too. We may stumble, cry and laugh in one sentence, but feel comfortable and safe talking to you.

4. ... and don't offer solutions.

Many people know of the options that are open to them being infertile. Adoption may not always be the best option for those who are infertile. The same would be for being foster families or other medical options. It is in the best interest of a couple to find the best option for them rather than finding that an option will not be fruitful if pursued. Also, everyone knows someone who got pregnant after doing (insert topic here). Just because it worked for one person doesn't mean it will happen for the person you are talking to.

5. Don't be afraid to share your joy.

Pregnancy and birth announcements can be understandably hard. Don't be afraid to share your joy. It may be easier to let those who are experiencing infertility know before you make a big public announcement. This will give those dealing with infertility a chance to process their emotions before being present at a large family function or seeing major announcements on 

6. Find community.

For those who are dealing with infertility a welcoming community can help to sort out emotions and feelings regarding infertility. For those readers who are practicing Natural Family Planning there is a Christian forum over at www.livingthesacrament.com with separate boards for men and women. This is a forum for those who use Natural Family Planning or are curious about it. They have great resources for those on any step of the journey: those trying to conceive, avoid pregnancy, work through infertility or miscarriage, during pregnancy and after.

7. Don't think of our friendship as "weird".

It can be difficult to maintain a friendship with those who do not have children after you have given birth. Truly, continue and maintain your friendship. A good friend will realize that though things have changed, a good friendship is worth maintaining.

While this is only a short list of ideas, what would you add to this list?

Bibles and Cell Phones

I don't know about you, but I've seen this image popping up on Facebook and Twitter lately. Does it look familiar? If you haven't looked at any of the pictures that I've posted, I highly encourage to the point of pleading please look at this one.

I don't know about you, but I am usually lost without my cell phone. I check my mail, my bank balance, play games, Facebook, this blog, communicate, and even pray with it in my hands. I'm bored waiting for an appointment, let's play Temple Run 2. Trying to better plan out my day, lets look at Evernote or my calendars. Trying to get some deeper level of prayer in adoration, try Laudate or iBreviary. (Yes I have used my cell phone as a prayer book in Adoration. Yes I've had to explain it to little old ladies. It is embarrassing.) But I am completely and thoroughly attached to this electronic leash that I can't get rid of.

Then I look at my Bible. I have two which are mine and a couple dozen floating around my office that occasionally make their way home too. But of the two that are my own I have one that is a paperback, slightly dog eared at the corners and never written in. The other has been graffitied, decorated, highlighted, has a broken spine, pages falling out, duct tape and smoke damaged. I shouldn't use it as a reading Bible but it serves a much deeper reminder.

My very worn Bible. Can you see where the cracked spine is?

I look at the above image and acknowledge, that even though I access prayer apps and occasionally the daily readings on my phone, my Bible lays stagnant.  I can't help but get mentally caught on the "... turned back to get it if we forgot it?"

The spine has broken here completely in half. The two halves are held with duct tape.

When I was 22, I was student teaching, preparing for end of year finals which I was writing the finals for students. I was living with my extended family when their home was caught in a house fire. It was a huge fire that impacted two other houses that were nearby. When I was trying to get my composure and get out I grabbed my Bible, cell phone and other necessities. I couldn't think clearly until I heard in my head "drop everything and get out" in my father's voice. My father was a firefighter and always stressed the need to get out when a fire struck. I thought I had dropped everything when I ran downstairs and saw my cousin, (who's about 65) on the phone in his kitchen calling 911 as I'm watching the sliding glass door 10 feet behind him melting in an oozy pile of orange glass. I yelled at him to get out scooped up my shoes and ran outside.

In the few moments after I hit the fresh air I looked and saw that I was wearing shoes with my pajamas and holding my cell phone. I used my phone to call my family and try to find a place to stay but my beloved Bible was dropped from my hands and was sitting on the floor of the bedroom where I had been staying. Once the fire was completely put out, I was able to go back in and I got my Bible.

Evidence of smoke damage in the front cover

I was at a crisis of faith. I had chosen to leave an object significant of my faith behind when I had the chance. I wasn't proud of that and I wanted to leave the church behind. I was simply going through the motions of faith because I knew it would make my family happy. After brooding and being bitter about it, I worked my way back to going to Confession. The priest that heard me had only been ordained the day before. He was new, I was in pain and he truly had the graces from God I needed to come back fully to church, even though I never fully left.

As Catholics we declare that the Bible in its entirety is the Divinely inspired Word of God. It is a true gift of faith to be utilized, studied and prayed with. I wasn't proud that I left my Bible in such a hurried disordered way. Living a life, regardless of how short it was without the word of God was painful. The very top image illustrates quite poignantly why the Bible is important in our lives and what would the impact be if we had the same need for the Word of God as we did Facebook or Twitter.

This Bible in particular I received while on retreat and in the front cover was a message which I am glad to share with you.

Flirting with the Thin Pink Line - Updated

This article was originally published on my first blog, Defined By Faith. I have edited it to update some personal information and glaring grammar errors that I found.

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I live in a different world than many of my peers. Many are planning their exact 2.1 children, schools they will attend, and sports they will play. I am left wondering when or if my husband and I will ever have children.

Before you think I'm off my rocker, bear with me a bit. Medically, primary infertility is defined as a healthy couple trying to conceive for 1 year without achieving their first successful pregnancy. This is where my husband and I lie. We've been married and trying for 27 months.  Every month has been a struggle to wait and see what will come, then dealing with the heartbreak with each single pink line.

For some women one pink line is reason for rejoicing. Whether it was a failure of birth control, not ready for a child for any reason, a single pink line is a comforting thought. For me, one line often results in a minor emotional breakdown.

There are many times I get stuck with thoughts that tell me I'm not going to be a mother, or that I'm being punished for something I did. There are other times when I feel rotten for fighting back tears when I should be happy for friends and family who are expecting. Most often, though, I feel alone. So, I went searching for answers.

While doing research on the Papal Document Humanae Vitae, I stumbled upon another document entitled Donum Vitae. This document, published by the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith in 1987, has a small section titled, “The Suffering Caused by Infertility in Marriage.” Here is an excerpt from that section. The emphasis is retained from the original text.

Nevertheless, marriage does not confer upon the spouses the right to have a child, but only the right to perform those natural acts which are per se ordered to procreation. A true and proper right to a child would be contrary to the child's dignity and nature. The child is not an object to which one has a right, nor can he be considered as an object of ownership: rather, a child is a gift, "the supreme gift" and the most gratuitous gift of marriage, and is a living testimony of the mutual giving of his parents. For this reason, the child has the right, as already mentioned, to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents; and he also has the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.

I read that, and I can't help but recall a conversation I had with my mom. 

When I was little, like any kid, I would grab random toys off the shelves in a store and ask for them. Occasionally, it would be the same item on separate trips. Since we didn't go shopping together more than once a month, Mom would often get the hint that this was something I was truly interested in. After I had heard “no” enough, I would stop asking. Then one day I would find a surprise, and it would be the item I had been asking for. Naturally, I would be even more excited because I received it as a gift. Just like Mom, God will give good gifts, and is also the giver of that “supreme gift” of a child.

A child “is a living testimony of the mutual giving of his parents.” When my husband and I were dating, we would often hear from our married friends that “someday our love will grow so large that in 9 months, we will have to give that love a name.” Whether our friends knew it or not, they were speaking a great truth of their sacrament. Sure, it can be argued that a child might be brought into a family situation that is less than ideal. But God understands the positive impact that can be brought into a family if they choose to view a pregnancy as a gift, rather than a burden.

How does all this relate to the lack of fertility? Alone or not, infertility is something that many people encounter. As I've been writing this post, I think it comes down to perspective. I can look at the situation my husband and I are in and either find it as a way to grow or a way which will lead to despair. I often need to remind myself that infertility is not the end of the world. Ultimately, God is in control of my life. The gifts he will give me are great. I can choose to be persistent in prayer, but, ultimately, I am called to be patient.

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Since the original publishing of this article I've learned so much more about the grace and love which God can give. We still have not conceived but have been able to look at the work that we are able to do without having children of our own. Although we still desire children of our own, my husband and I are able to devote more time to those we serve through my job as a youth minister. My husband and I are also working to improve our state in life by paying down debt and improving ourselves to be better parents should that day ever come. Until then we both wait patiently and try to echo the Fiat that Mary gave, that everything be done according to the will of God.

Pursuit of Beauty

It should come as no shock that the prevalent American culture puts a high value on the sexual identity of a woman. How sleek, slender and fierce she looks in order to complete her job or attract a significant other. Well this afternoon I was using Google to try and find something I had watched a few nights ago on Youtube before I went to bed and I stumbled across another article. Stop posting that Dove ad: "Real Beauty" campaign is not feminist over at Salon.com. Simply because I read "not feminist" in the tagline, I had to read it. *note* I'm linking to it to cite my inspiration for this article, this is not an endorsement of the article.

I read it and I was laughing at the outrageous and broad brush strokes that the author uses in her writing. In short, this is an advertising campaign for Dove products, aimed at boosting women's self esteem rather than her sex appeal.

If you haven't seen this advertisement yet, have a peek.

Based on this advertisement and the over sexualization of media, I would dare ask the author, what is wrong with this ad? How is it not feminist?

Feminism is the advocacy of equality in women's rights, this can be achieved through political, economic, and social equality. Through the branch of social equality, shouldn't women be able to have self-respect for themselves and have the self confidence to reach their highest potential without continuously being told to change? Isn't part of feminism taking hold of yourself and looking at those telling you to change and say "I am proud to be who I am and you should treat me equally"?

Johannes Vermeer - The Milkmaid

I am a fan of classical art and have noticed how the conception of beauty has changed. The woman that Johannes Vermeer painted above is a healthy, active woman who would have been thought very attractive in his day. Today she would be overweight or obese and unfashionable. But how is she different from the modern everyday woman who Dove chooses to showcase in their advertising? This milkmaid is going about her daily work for her home and family or her local dairy farm and not needing to care if she fits the right image of how people perceive her.

I work with many young women who have an outstanding perspective of their self image. I have worked with other young women who try to change themselves for the chance that the "right person" will notice them. I find this ad an affirmation that all women are more beautiful than they perceive themselves to be.

As for myself, I'm not the over 35 woman with a library card that the article's author describes, (I'm 27 with a library card) but success and determination should be determined by each woman. The stay at home mom has the same level of equality as the high level CEO. A struggling single mother has the same rights and equality as the woman whose income with her husband allows her Gucci and Prada merchandise. The beauty of this ad shows that although it's true that many women have self-esteem issues, the image that a woman sees of herself can be vastly different than how someone else sees her. That sometimes the biggest struggle for equality comes from within herself.

New Sheep Smell

Since I've been blogging again, I have had the opportunity to read more blogs. This morning on the top of my feed pile was this little article from Pat Archbold from the NCR Blogs titled "Archbishop: Bloggers not Catholic". Needless to say as a Catholic Blogger, it got me scratching my head. I was hesitant, to say the least, to believe what I was reading. Every part of me wanted to scream at the computer that social media and outlets like blogs are the forefront of the current push of the New Evangelization. That being said, I needed to read the homily that was quoted.

Thanks to Catholicmemes. com

This homily comes from the Archbishop of Westminster, Archbishop Vincent Nichols' Mass for Pope Francis from April 10, 2013. Please read it in it's entirety, I found it wonderfully insightful, including today's topic.

One of my favorite quotes from this homily is as follows "Pope Francis is telling us, more than once, that he sees the Church at its best when it is outward looking, going forth to meet people in the specific circumstances of their lives. Memorably he prompted us priests to go out and come back 'smelling like our sheep!'"

As a faithful Church, we need to be interpersonal in our relationships with those that we meet and not be stuck to our same pew, time and quick handshakes at the sign of peace. Pope Francis has been wonderful in this respect through his way of handling his personal affairs. This has been evident since day one of his Papacy. We have a Pope who remembers who he serves and that the best place to serve is at their side.

At the same time, I am not a priest, but I work with teens. The "sheep" I work with smell like they've been drenched in Axe, Old Spice or other cologne/perfume with a heavy dose of insecurity and coming into their own in a highly digitized world where the most "liked" piece of anything becomes law. I serve them, so I spend a lot of time working with them personally and through outlets such as Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Google+, and finding the hazards of places like Snapchat and Pheed. As an adult, it is a scary place, as a teen, all of these places look like a slice of freedom.

But at the same time, with freedom comes immense responsibility. There are many teens who cannot yet grasp that. That's when we hear of cyber bullying, trolling and using these media outlets for pornographic messages of themselves. Please note that not all teens are doing this, but this is a staggering upward trend.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols continues by saying;

He has said that when the Church fails to look outward, then it is 'self referential' preoccupied with itself. Then, he added, 'inadvertently she believes she has her own light, and is not dependant totally on Christ for receiving and reflecting his light. If this happens, then the Church (those in the Church) live to give glory only to one another and not to the rest of the world.'

Yesterday, I mentioned how through loving others I see God working through them and with them in their lives, regardless of their knowledge of God. When we fail to love, through sin, we stop reflecting Christ's light and look at each other as a commodity or as an object.

Archbishop Nichols, after speaking about Peter returning to Christ says this:

The Church must be a community rooted in the love of the Lord. 

Pope Francis understands this in practical terms. He has already identified two kinds of behavior that destroy love in the Church. They are complaining and gossiping. He is a practical man. He knows that we live in a society in which complaining and gossip is a standard fare. They sell newspapers and attract us to blogs because we love hear complaints and to read gossip.

But Pope Francis is clear: they should have no place in the Church.

From reading this section of his homily I am momentarily confused. Because of the article from Pat Archbold I am already predisposed to read this as newspapers and blogs should not exist. As a Catholic who blogs, I should take offense and write something angry. On the other hand, within the context of the entire homily, I read that Archbishop Nichols meant that complaining and gossiping have no place in the Church. I don't know about you but we could add things like, spamming, trolling, enticing arguments, and using demeaning words and phrases to what we do as a digital culture.

http://xkcd.com/386/

For example, if you have ever read Youtube comments or many comment sections of mainstream blogs, you will almost always find someone who tries to anger someone else. They often succeed and the responses are often ridiculous. These comments would rarely be said if a person had been talking face to face with another.

Internet outlets have the ability to unite and divide people very quickly. People, and I'm guilty about this too, become so polarized with a topic, they believe that the author is speaking only to them and they have to defend a position. The above comic from www.xkcd.com always makes me chuckle. I know people like that character; I have occasionally been that character. At the same time, I know that I can choose to engage and "defend" or I can take a breath, think about what I've read, and thoughtfully engage.

Above all, I cannot pretend to know what Archbishop Nichols intended with his homily. From the date, topic, and tone of the overall message, I can infer that he is encouraging we as the Catholic faithful to engage more fully in our faith and communities. To get dirty and work amongst the "sheep" we encounter. It so happens that most of the people I encounter are tech savvy, internet based, and ready to show they have a voice in the world. So, there I will be, right alongside of them, tears, triumphs and smells included.