Being Sensitive to Those With Infertility (Part 3)

Over the past two posts, I have shared the need for awareness among families who are struggling with primary or secondary infertility and my own struggle with infertility. In this one of the graces that I've received is strength and support from my sister in laws. Honestly I'm still getting used to having "siblings" but it's a great blessing. One thing that my sister in law told me was that she was there for me. Although she has great fertility and the sweetest nephews and niece I could ask for, she told me she was glad to know what we were going through. She didn't try to offer advice, she didn't didn't try to tell me "it's God's will" she just let me talk. Below are things that can help those who are dealing with infertility.

1. Know that we are grieving.

Grief is often known as huge or mounting sadness caused by loss. While for those with infertility, they may not have suffered a miscarriage, though many have, they are grieving the loss of their dreams for the "perfect" family. Also just like grieving a loved one there will be strange triggers that may bring back deep feelings of grief.

2. Don't belittle our losses.

One of the hardest things I've ever heard was someone telling me I could always get pregnant again after I had lost my child. While a child who is miscarried may not be "real" to you, that child is very real to a parent who lost them. There are always outside influences that you may not know of that caused this loss and the parents are trying to deal with them.

3. Please listen to what we are saying...

I know for me, talking about infertility can be really hard. When I come to my friends and just need to talk, thes best thing is to know that we are being listened too. We may stumble, cry and laugh in one sentence, but feel comfortable and safe talking to you.

4. ... and don't offer solutions.

Many people know of the options that are open to them being infertile. Adoption may not always be the best option for those who are infertile. The same would be for being foster families or other medical options. It is in the best interest of a couple to find the best option for them rather than finding that an option will not be fruitful if pursued. Also, everyone knows someone who got pregnant after doing (insert topic here). Just because it worked for one person doesn't mean it will happen for the person you are talking to.

5. Don't be afraid to share your joy.

Pregnancy and birth announcements can be understandably hard. Don't be afraid to share your joy. It may be easier to let those who are experiencing infertility know before you make a big public announcement. This will give those dealing with infertility a chance to process their emotions before being present at a large family function or seeing major announcements on 

6. Find community.

For those who are dealing with infertility a welcoming community can help to sort out emotions and feelings regarding infertility. For those readers who are practicing Natural Family Planning there is a Christian forum over at www.livingthesacrament.com with separate boards for men and women. This is a forum for those who use Natural Family Planning or are curious about it. They have great resources for those on any step of the journey: those trying to conceive, avoid pregnancy, work through infertility or miscarriage, during pregnancy and after.

7. Don't think of our friendship as "weird".

It can be difficult to maintain a friendship with those who do not have children after you have given birth. Truly, continue and maintain your friendship. A good friend will realize that though things have changed, a good friendship is worth maintaining.

While this is only a short list of ideas, what would you add to this list?

My Family and Fertility (Part 2)

Through the responses I have received from my initial post "Families and Infertility", I have decided that this should become a series of posts covering the topic of infertility from my point of view. I cannot write from the point of view of people who have adopted or are currently seeking to adopt. I also cannot write from the perspective of those who have been able to have advanced fertility treatment. However, below is my story.

My name is Amanda, and my husband and I have been married nearly 3 years. We have never used contraception or chosen to use Natural Family Planning as a means to abstain from having children.

My story actually begins when I was a sophomore in college. Our local Catholic student organization had brought in our local Natural Family Planning coordinator to give us the basic information on Natural Family Planning. I knew her outside of NFP because her eldest daughter was 3 years younger and we had attended Diocesan youth functions together. She gave us facts about the process of NFP, the rates of effectiveness, and why the Creighton model worked scientifically. It was funny to watch the guys squirm but it made a lot of sense. It also clarified questions I had about my own body that had never been answered by my mom.

I was in a serious relationship with a guy that I was discerning marriage about so I decided to sign up for the next one on one starter class. That class was great but also made me think about why I was choosing NFP. At that time, it was for my health and I wanted to get off hormonal birth control for my periods for good.

I had been on HBC for a year to "control" my cycles. I was seeing many of the symptoms of a normal cycle before HBC but not during. Something stirred inside my thoughts saying, "that isn't right." So with guidance from my doctor, I stopped taking HBC and tried Creighton. Using Creighton was amazing and I learned so much. I also learned that once you have information, you can't let go of it. Many of the NFP habits I developed then I still maintain now.

However, I kept loosing my stickers my charts, having issues with what I should be marking things as and waiting on others. My charts were a mess, I was a mess, and I was having trouble at school. Since I wasn't engaged yet, I thought it would be prudent to wait to start again until I was engaged.

My reproductive health became a bit scattered again and when I went for my check up the doctor asked for my family history. It wasn't the greatest but I also mentioned everything from my grandmother, paternal aunt and mom. The doctor looked at me like I was broken. He prescribed me HBC again with the warning that if I ever wanted to think about having kids I needed to know two things, one I needed to take HBC until I was ready to get pregnant to save my fertility and I needed to get pregnant by the time I was 28 if I was ever going to have kids. I gave the prescription to my mom and started taking it as recommended.

Going into my Senior year I became very sick. My cycles would shut down, I'd start to get weak and I even passed out in the chapel for no apparent reason. The only thing I could put my finger on was the HBC. This time I didn't even consult a doctor about my medication, I threw out the HBC. I started charting again and meeting with my Creighton mentor. I made another appointment and told a new doctor what had happened and she agreed I shouldn't take HBC but agreed, 28 was the magic deadline for kids.

Fast forward to two years out of college. I had grown lax in my charting but I always knew where I was in my cycle what was going on and things were relatively healthy. I had dumped my long time boyfriend and started dating my now husband. We are both Catholic and wanted to start charting together. This didn't work out, my previous mentor was a mom from the homeschool group he belonged to and the only other teaching couple in the area was one of his professors. Thankfully there are many new smartphone apps and charting programs online to learn and implement. That's what we use still today.

We were married and decided not to abstain but not actively try to conceive either. We had moved for work to an area where there weren't many teaching couples and even fewer NFP friendly doctors. I had been in recently for a large anovulatory cycle and the doctor brushed me off because I wasn't pregnant and I was fat. That's the only reason my body was acting out. No tests, no checking, just get used to it. Somehow the same magic statement of "If you want kids, you better be pregnant by 28" was still there.

Since our marriage we've had two miscarriages. The first we were shocked and excited at the "pregnant" sign on the view window but as I kept testing lines got lighter and lighter. When I called into my doctor, she didn't want to see me but because I was early, I'd be fine passing "it" at home. I was told to treat it like a heavy period. So I did. I was only about 6-8 weeks along but I knew when I had passed her. I was in shock and didn't know what to do. In a blind panic I ended up flushing my little girl down the toilet. It wasn't until a few days later it had sunk in what I had done. I still pray for forgiveness for that every day. Our second is still fresh and I'm not comfortable sharing that story.

Currently I have a wonderful doctor who is willing to work with me and order needed tests for my husband and I. However, right now with our current insurance, we are not able to get the tests we want done. Although this doctor doesn't buy into the magic 'pregnant by 28" it is still a fear that looms on the horizon and that horizon is getting closer. We wait patiently and continue charting. We've placed our children and any others God may give us into his hands because as parents, it's the least we can do.

Bibles and Cell Phones

I don't know about you, but I've seen this image popping up on Facebook and Twitter lately. Does it look familiar? If you haven't looked at any of the pictures that I've posted, I highly encourage to the point of pleading please look at this one.

I don't know about you, but I am usually lost without my cell phone. I check my mail, my bank balance, play games, Facebook, this blog, communicate, and even pray with it in my hands. I'm bored waiting for an appointment, let's play Temple Run 2. Trying to better plan out my day, lets look at Evernote or my calendars. Trying to get some deeper level of prayer in adoration, try Laudate or iBreviary. (Yes I have used my cell phone as a prayer book in Adoration. Yes I've had to explain it to little old ladies. It is embarrassing.) But I am completely and thoroughly attached to this electronic leash that I can't get rid of.

Then I look at my Bible. I have two which are mine and a couple dozen floating around my office that occasionally make their way home too. But of the two that are my own I have one that is a paperback, slightly dog eared at the corners and never written in. The other has been graffitied, decorated, highlighted, has a broken spine, pages falling out, duct tape and smoke damaged. I shouldn't use it as a reading Bible but it serves a much deeper reminder.

My very worn Bible. Can you see where the cracked spine is?

I look at the above image and acknowledge, that even though I access prayer apps and occasionally the daily readings on my phone, my Bible lays stagnant.  I can't help but get mentally caught on the "... turned back to get it if we forgot it?"

The spine has broken here completely in half. The two halves are held with duct tape.

When I was 22, I was student teaching, preparing for end of year finals which I was writing the finals for students. I was living with my extended family when their home was caught in a house fire. It was a huge fire that impacted two other houses that were nearby. When I was trying to get my composure and get out I grabbed my Bible, cell phone and other necessities. I couldn't think clearly until I heard in my head "drop everything and get out" in my father's voice. My father was a firefighter and always stressed the need to get out when a fire struck. I thought I had dropped everything when I ran downstairs and saw my cousin, (who's about 65) on the phone in his kitchen calling 911 as I'm watching the sliding glass door 10 feet behind him melting in an oozy pile of orange glass. I yelled at him to get out scooped up my shoes and ran outside.

In the few moments after I hit the fresh air I looked and saw that I was wearing shoes with my pajamas and holding my cell phone. I used my phone to call my family and try to find a place to stay but my beloved Bible was dropped from my hands and was sitting on the floor of the bedroom where I had been staying. Once the fire was completely put out, I was able to go back in and I got my Bible.

Evidence of smoke damage in the front cover

I was at a crisis of faith. I had chosen to leave an object significant of my faith behind when I had the chance. I wasn't proud of that and I wanted to leave the church behind. I was simply going through the motions of faith because I knew it would make my family happy. After brooding and being bitter about it, I worked my way back to going to Confession. The priest that heard me had only been ordained the day before. He was new, I was in pain and he truly had the graces from God I needed to come back fully to church, even though I never fully left.

As Catholics we declare that the Bible in its entirety is the Divinely inspired Word of God. It is a true gift of faith to be utilized, studied and prayed with. I wasn't proud that I left my Bible in such a hurried disordered way. Living a life, regardless of how short it was without the word of God was painful. The very top image illustrates quite poignantly why the Bible is important in our lives and what would the impact be if we had the same need for the Word of God as we did Facebook or Twitter.

This Bible in particular I received while on retreat and in the front cover was a message which I am glad to share with you.

Of Math and Truth

For my college education, I chose a small, local, Benedictine school.  The school still had Sisters active in the lives of students but there were only a handful of Sisters who taught any classes. The campus had two primary buildings for classes, the Science Building (which was appropriately named) and Tower Hall which was home to the Humanities and Technology Labs. There were more buildings on campus to house students then to have our classes.

There was great glee for professors who would have a student from the other building taking a required class in "their" building. When I would take philosophy, english or theology classes for fun the teachers would smile extra broad when I mentioned that I was a Math Major, because they knew they could try and pin "lofty" concepts on me and watch me squirm. Then after a few weeks, these professors would quickly learn that I was as sharp if not sharper than some of their routine students who had built relationships with them.

I had an English Professor who for the first three weeks would ask me the questions that would tip the balance of the class or start their lecture points. One day he didn't and instead stopped me after class and asked, "Why do you care about these classes?" I had already explained that I was taking them for fun, I didn't need the credit to graduate, I just needed the credit to maintain financial aid. All I could reply to him was that there was more to life than equations could answer. Satisfied, he smiled and we enjoyed the conversations that would start in class.

American Novels - Proof that readers need punctuation.

Conversely, I would walk through the halls between math lectures and feel like I was the only person who held my beliefs as true despite my company. We would occasionally have discussions about what we "personally" believed when it came to God, faith and hot topic issues. Many of them had their own beliefs, Christian or other, but would never press them on someone else or inquire as to why they hold certain beliefs. This struck me strangely, if there was anything we could agree about it was the truth that we had too much homework and our collaborative efforts helped to make sense of the work we had. Above all, the biggest thing that I learned in my Math classes and from my peers was, that there is such a thing as absolute truth.

I always chuckle when I see one of the "math tests" pop up in my Facebook feed. It looks similar to this 1+2-1+1*0=? or a long string of adding and subtracting ones and then multiplied by zero. Many people will look at it and say that anything multiplied by zero is zero. This is true, when used in proper context. If we back up to 7th grade we remember a handy trick called the Order of Operations. It shows us how to take a problem like above and solve it in the right order. Working from left to right complete the parenthesis, exponents, multiplication/division, and addition/subtraction. 1+2-1+1*0 = 2.

The Equation

One day my aunt and I were both working on one of these problems and she told me I was wrong. My aunt is a wise woman but my math knowledge was greater than hers. I tried to explain my work and the order of operations but she told me "Put in a calculator, but we will have to agree to disagree." I knew that if I pressed any further that I would hurt my aunt so I stopped discussing the matter.

She was right in one regard, if you put that above equation in a simple calculator (think solar powered non scientific) the answer will be zero. A calculator like that is more of an adding machine and will go in the order that you input numbers. However check it on a scientific calculator or even your cell phone, (which I just did) it will give you 2. The reason is, these devices have been programed to overcome simple human error.

The Result

Mathematical principles are important, especially if you are an accountant, engineer, physicist or someone who needs to work with numbers on a daily basis. However, most people don't have a need for mathematical theorems in their daily life. I let the discussion with my aunt slide because she didn't have the same need for math in her life as I did. Math will not have a lasting effect in her life.

Then we look at matters of morality and faith. We see the Gosnell Trial where murder charges are dropped because they couldn't prove that a baby was "alive", in Minnesota the State House is voting on an amendment to redefine marriage tomorrow, and taking a stand that universal truth exists proves that you do not believe in "tolerance". So if exposing pure sodium to air results in unsafe combustion of the element but taking a class one carcinogen for a women's sexual health is perfectly ok. Calling the unborn offspring of a dog, puppies, before they are born but an unborn offspring of a human a lump of tissue until they viably leave the vaginal canal, there is something wrong with holding onto relativistic faith.

Relativism in the United States has created a society of "anything goes so long as I believe it's right." If someone shows opposition to widely held beliefs they are shamed and labeled bigots and intolerant until they change their beliefs. Religious denominations are shrunk to buildings of people who conveniently share the same beliefs who believe in a God that is convenient for them.

The truth that I experienced is that there is a hard and tough road out there. Science proves that life begins at conception, faith confirms that within a mother who feels her child moving within her. Science proves that there was a big bang, faith says God put it into action since science also says that there was nothing prior to the big bang happening. Faith gives us eyes to see when science cannot prove why miracle cures happen.

xkcd.com

All sciences have to rely on absolutes. Whether its a number line to show that two is less than three and together they make five or the ability to map DNA markers, there are absolutes in every science. Today there are many loud voices which drown out truth in our lives. It's time to let our voices be heard and to show that we aren't afraid and will not be silenced. 

Flirting with the Thin Pink Line - Updated

This article was originally published on my first blog, Defined By Faith. I have edited it to update some personal information and glaring grammar errors that I found.

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I live in a different world than many of my peers. Many are planning their exact 2.1 children, schools they will attend, and sports they will play. I am left wondering when or if my husband and I will ever have children.

Before you think I'm off my rocker, bear with me a bit. Medically, primary infertility is defined as a healthy couple trying to conceive for 1 year without achieving their first successful pregnancy. This is where my husband and I lie. We've been married and trying for 27 months.  Every month has been a struggle to wait and see what will come, then dealing with the heartbreak with each single pink line.

For some women one pink line is reason for rejoicing. Whether it was a failure of birth control, not ready for a child for any reason, a single pink line is a comforting thought. For me, one line often results in a minor emotional breakdown.

There are many times I get stuck with thoughts that tell me I'm not going to be a mother, or that I'm being punished for something I did. There are other times when I feel rotten for fighting back tears when I should be happy for friends and family who are expecting. Most often, though, I feel alone. So, I went searching for answers.

While doing research on the Papal Document Humanae Vitae, I stumbled upon another document entitled Donum Vitae. This document, published by the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith in 1987, has a small section titled, “The Suffering Caused by Infertility in Marriage.” Here is an excerpt from that section. The emphasis is retained from the original text.

Nevertheless, marriage does not confer upon the spouses the right to have a child, but only the right to perform those natural acts which are per se ordered to procreation. A true and proper right to a child would be contrary to the child's dignity and nature. The child is not an object to which one has a right, nor can he be considered as an object of ownership: rather, a child is a gift, "the supreme gift" and the most gratuitous gift of marriage, and is a living testimony of the mutual giving of his parents. For this reason, the child has the right, as already mentioned, to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents; and he also has the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.

I read that, and I can't help but recall a conversation I had with my mom. 

When I was little, like any kid, I would grab random toys off the shelves in a store and ask for them. Occasionally, it would be the same item on separate trips. Since we didn't go shopping together more than once a month, Mom would often get the hint that this was something I was truly interested in. After I had heard “no” enough, I would stop asking. Then one day I would find a surprise, and it would be the item I had been asking for. Naturally, I would be even more excited because I received it as a gift. Just like Mom, God will give good gifts, and is also the giver of that “supreme gift” of a child.

A child “is a living testimony of the mutual giving of his parents.” When my husband and I were dating, we would often hear from our married friends that “someday our love will grow so large that in 9 months, we will have to give that love a name.” Whether our friends knew it or not, they were speaking a great truth of their sacrament. Sure, it can be argued that a child might be brought into a family situation that is less than ideal. But God understands the positive impact that can be brought into a family if they choose to view a pregnancy as a gift, rather than a burden.

How does all this relate to the lack of fertility? Alone or not, infertility is something that many people encounter. As I've been writing this post, I think it comes down to perspective. I can look at the situation my husband and I are in and either find it as a way to grow or a way which will lead to despair. I often need to remind myself that infertility is not the end of the world. Ultimately, God is in control of my life. The gifts he will give me are great. I can choose to be persistent in prayer, but, ultimately, I am called to be patient.

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Since the original publishing of this article I've learned so much more about the grace and love which God can give. We still have not conceived but have been able to look at the work that we are able to do without having children of our own. Although we still desire children of our own, my husband and I are able to devote more time to those we serve through my job as a youth minister. My husband and I are also working to improve our state in life by paying down debt and improving ourselves to be better parents should that day ever come. Until then we both wait patiently and try to echo the Fiat that Mary gave, that everything be done according to the will of God.

New Sheep Smell

Since I've been blogging again, I have had the opportunity to read more blogs. This morning on the top of my feed pile was this little article from Pat Archbold from the NCR Blogs titled "Archbishop: Bloggers not Catholic". Needless to say as a Catholic Blogger, it got me scratching my head. I was hesitant, to say the least, to believe what I was reading. Every part of me wanted to scream at the computer that social media and outlets like blogs are the forefront of the current push of the New Evangelization. That being said, I needed to read the homily that was quoted.

Thanks to Catholicmemes. com

This homily comes from the Archbishop of Westminster, Archbishop Vincent Nichols' Mass for Pope Francis from April 10, 2013. Please read it in it's entirety, I found it wonderfully insightful, including today's topic.

One of my favorite quotes from this homily is as follows "Pope Francis is telling us, more than once, that he sees the Church at its best when it is outward looking, going forth to meet people in the specific circumstances of their lives. Memorably he prompted us priests to go out and come back 'smelling like our sheep!'"

As a faithful Church, we need to be interpersonal in our relationships with those that we meet and not be stuck to our same pew, time and quick handshakes at the sign of peace. Pope Francis has been wonderful in this respect through his way of handling his personal affairs. This has been evident since day one of his Papacy. We have a Pope who remembers who he serves and that the best place to serve is at their side.

At the same time, I am not a priest, but I work with teens. The "sheep" I work with smell like they've been drenched in Axe, Old Spice or other cologne/perfume with a heavy dose of insecurity and coming into their own in a highly digitized world where the most "liked" piece of anything becomes law. I serve them, so I spend a lot of time working with them personally and through outlets such as Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Google+, and finding the hazards of places like Snapchat and Pheed. As an adult, it is a scary place, as a teen, all of these places look like a slice of freedom.

But at the same time, with freedom comes immense responsibility. There are many teens who cannot yet grasp that. That's when we hear of cyber bullying, trolling and using these media outlets for pornographic messages of themselves. Please note that not all teens are doing this, but this is a staggering upward trend.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols continues by saying;

He has said that when the Church fails to look outward, then it is 'self referential' preoccupied with itself. Then, he added, 'inadvertently she believes she has her own light, and is not dependant totally on Christ for receiving and reflecting his light. If this happens, then the Church (those in the Church) live to give glory only to one another and not to the rest of the world.'

Yesterday, I mentioned how through loving others I see God working through them and with them in their lives, regardless of their knowledge of God. When we fail to love, through sin, we stop reflecting Christ's light and look at each other as a commodity or as an object.

Archbishop Nichols, after speaking about Peter returning to Christ says this:

The Church must be a community rooted in the love of the Lord. 

Pope Francis understands this in practical terms. He has already identified two kinds of behavior that destroy love in the Church. They are complaining and gossiping. He is a practical man. He knows that we live in a society in which complaining and gossip is a standard fare. They sell newspapers and attract us to blogs because we love hear complaints and to read gossip.

But Pope Francis is clear: they should have no place in the Church.

From reading this section of his homily I am momentarily confused. Because of the article from Pat Archbold I am already predisposed to read this as newspapers and blogs should not exist. As a Catholic who blogs, I should take offense and write something angry. On the other hand, within the context of the entire homily, I read that Archbishop Nichols meant that complaining and gossiping have no place in the Church. I don't know about you but we could add things like, spamming, trolling, enticing arguments, and using demeaning words and phrases to what we do as a digital culture.

http://xkcd.com/386/

For example, if you have ever read Youtube comments or many comment sections of mainstream blogs, you will almost always find someone who tries to anger someone else. They often succeed and the responses are often ridiculous. These comments would rarely be said if a person had been talking face to face with another.

Internet outlets have the ability to unite and divide people very quickly. People, and I'm guilty about this too, become so polarized with a topic, they believe that the author is speaking only to them and they have to defend a position. The above comic from www.xkcd.com always makes me chuckle. I know people like that character; I have occasionally been that character. At the same time, I know that I can choose to engage and "defend" or I can take a breath, think about what I've read, and thoughtfully engage.

Above all, I cannot pretend to know what Archbishop Nichols intended with his homily. From the date, topic, and tone of the overall message, I can infer that he is encouraging we as the Catholic faithful to engage more fully in our faith and communities. To get dirty and work amongst the "sheep" we encounter. It so happens that most of the people I encounter are tech savvy, internet based, and ready to show they have a voice in the world. So, there I will be, right alongside of them, tears, triumphs and smells included.

To Love Another Person...

My husband and I are huge musical theater fans. I am not ashamed to say that he is a bigger fan than I. It may not surprise readers that this being said, we are fans of the recent 2012 movie of Les Miserables. *sigh* I have linked to a Youtube clip of the audio.

While I'm not going to debate the Theology of the movie version (I'm still working on the book) I am using the music to make a point. During the Epilogue of the movie, Jean Valjean, at the end of his life sings one of my favorite lines in the show, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

On my Ignatian Prayer Adventure today I am naming my blessings. The biggest blessing that I have and gift that God has given me is that of Love. I can confidently say that I am loved by my husband, my family, my friends and last and not least, God. Yet I also love those I interact with. Each person I encounter is deserving of a different kind of love. My parents and my husband will always have a deep and prominent place in my heart; I have friends that I have adopted as siblings as I am an only child. I also love those I work with and for through what I complete during my days. Those that I love are gifts that God has placed in my life, and I would not be who I am without their love and influence.

Beloved, let us one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. 

1 John 4: 7-8

While I look at those that I love and love me, I truly see how God works through all of us in the world. This ability to see God in each other also comes from being created in God's image. If we were created in his image then we are also made for love.

Because of the love that comes from God, there are other gifts I have received: healing, mercy, joy, hope and faith. Each of these gifts could warrant an individual post of their own. I am grateful for these gifts and I each flows through my life and those lives that I touch.

I maybe digressing from my initial topic so I will return to it now. "To love another person is to see the face of God." Through the Catholic Teaching and Tradition, as well as my own experience, I believe that all human life is to be treated with love and respect just because they are human. I have recognized God in people simply because they are my fellow man. True, I have not seen Jesus' physical face, body, and human form, (unless you count the Eucharist) but I can recognize his love and grace in those I meet. 

To conclude my reflection for the day is to count what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my husband, family, friends, my job, basic necessities, this blog and my faith.

What are things that you are grateful for today?

Expectations of Sacraments

Earlier this week I came upon an article by Dr. Taylor Marshall Phd. titled Pope Francis: Infant Baptism Shouldn't be Held Hostage. It is an interesting opinion article regarding the current state of Sacramental Preparation. In many parishes there is some form of preparation before a Sacrament is administered.

As I write this, I am torn, as I have only been able to look at this from the side of the parish. Reading this article I understand what Pope Francis has said on the topic of infant Baptism. I agree that the Sacrament should not be withheld from anyone who seeks it and there shouldn't be a waiting time for infants to be baptized. However, I do see why there are certain "procedures" currently in place in the parishes I have been a part of.

One of the saddest things I have witnessed as a Director of Religious Education or a Youth Minister is the lack knowledge when it comes to the Sacraments. Many parents I have encountered look at the Sacraments as something they are entitled to, as a right of passage, or something they are obliged to do. While Infant Baptism is something that should be done shortly after the birth of a child; many, not all, parents are unfamiliar with the commitment that they are making when they ask for Baptism for their child.

This is the House of God and the Gate of Heaven

Secondly, a little catechesis never hurt anybody. Knowledge often leads people to make better and well informed choices. These choices can include a better and more active choice as a child's godparent and lead parents to want to learn more about the Catholic faith which they are having their child brought in.

Lastly, the approach which parents take to Baptism will often be the approach they take to other Sacraments.

I currently prepare students to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation. I always have enjoyed this Sacrament and it hurts when I hear students say that their parents are using it as a bargaining chip. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard students say, "I don't have to go to mass again because my parents are leaving it up to me", "I'm only doing this because my parents are making me", and "I don't know why I'm even doing this".

Students who are seeking the Sacrament of Confirmation do have tasks they need to complete in order to receive this Sacrament. If parents do not take an active role as the primary catechists of their children, there is very little that volunteers or I can do to help them without the student having a personal relationship with the Church.

From my understanding what Dr. Taylor Marshall Phd is sharing, is the need for change from parents when they receive the gift of Baptism for their child. That there is the need for conversion for parents since they are seeking this sacrament. I have met parents who have had their children Baptized and been changed by it and I have met many more who have not taken the need for personal change and repentance in their lives. After all, this is what parents do ask for their child.

Priest: What do you ask of God’s Church for N?
Parents: Baptism
Priest (to parents): N and N, you have asked to have your child baptized. In doing so, you are accepting the responsibility of training N in the practice of the faith. It will be your duty to bring N up to keep God’s commandments as Christ taught us by loving God and our neighbor. Do you clearly understand what you are undertaking?
Parents: We do.

Yes!

Yesterday was hard for me to go through the exercise, today was a soothing balm to that hurt.

I often frequent a Natural Family Planning website and forum at www.livingthesacrament.com and from the women on the forum, I have learned to take an approach to my fertility as Mary did with the Archangel Gabriel. So it came as a pleasant surprise to have Luke's account of the Annunciation. The instructions of the day from "An Ignatian Prayer Adventure" was to "marvel at Mary's freedom to say 'Yes'!"

When I read through the Annunciation today I heard two different things. First I put myself into the story and wondered what it would be like to have an angel tell me that I would be pregnant. I am not saying that I would be given the blessing to carry the Lord but my own child. Gabriel saying "Do not be afraid" I think reaches out to any first time parent's fear of having a child. At the same time I would still be like Mary as I would be concerned with the 'how' it would happen.

Despite Mary's fear she still has the boldness to say yes regardless of all the stigmas of her day. Then I saw the meme to the left and remembered a lot of cultural issues Mary would have faced. She should have been cast out of her family and stoned. From my collegiate studies, Mary was also supposed to be a consecrated virgin. She had reason to be overly scared for herself and her only worry was that she "didn't know man." (v. 34) Gabriel reminds Mary, and myself, that nothing is impossible for God, (v. 37) and that was enough of a reassurance for Mary to give her "yes".

So Jesus had been an unplanned pregnancy and currently, short of divine providence, I am not expecting to become pregnant. My second realization is how a person reacts in faith. I truly do marvel at Mary's yes. Her yes only started with the Annunciation and continued throughout her life. From trying to find the lost child Jesus, to raising Jesus as a single parent, supporting his ministry, and standing by him as he died are only a small list of the yeses Mary gave.

However, I need to be more bold as I step out in faith. I second guess myself, I occasionally doubt my decisions. I look at where God is trying to bring me and stop being a child and digging my feet into the ground trying to stop my moving forward. I need to confidently move forward and not always balance the options.

A Loving God and a Lost Child

Yesterday I had mentioned that I had began an 8 week exercise using "An Ignatian Prayer Adventure" and today I almost quit. I almost quit because it got hard and hit one of the spiritual wounds I carry and I don't like to talk about. It took me 6 months before I even considered mentioning it to my new confessor. This is a wound that I don't like mentioning but always seem to come out once I trust someone, a lot. It has also been one God and I have been working on together, slowly, like taking off a bandage with care. Well, today it got ripped off instead. But here's the deal, I wander to different places, I never quit the journey.

When I was a teen I had awful self confidence, I thought everyone hated me and I never knew who I could trust. A mentor of mine and a priest suggested that I begin praying using Psalm 139. It was my rock, it gave me hope and as a teen I had too many highlights and girly doodles around it to signify my obsession with this Psalm. As I grew more confident in myself, my need for relying on this Psalm decreased.

Fast forward to my post college years to now. I am happily married and my husband and I are trying to start our own family. The beauty of how God creates individual life is evident and apparent to families and readers of this Psalm alike. It scares me that my husband and I may never know or fully understand what it means to assist God in his creation. I am afraid that part of it is selfishness because my husband and I are happy with our lives right now, and the other fear I often hold is that I've done something in which infertility is my cross that I am being asked to carry.

This brings me to the questions that the exercise asks me, How does God gaze upon me? I feel like God looks at me with the love that is beyond compare. He looks at me with the same love as when he created me, and will continue until I leave this earthly life. Because of this I feel ashamed and guilty for feeling like I have not and am not carrying my cross with submission.

I vowed that my husband and I would accept life as a gift from God, I just haven't been treating it as a gift. I've been demanding it as a right. By my own blind desires, I am again missing the mark.

Then comes the next reflective question of the day, How open am I to receiving this intimacy? Intimacy, a word that I heard all too frequently as a teen and young adult. It was often explained to me as the act of "into-me-see". Intimacy isn't just the love that my husband and I share with each other but how I am able to see into those I love, to know fully who they are.

This intimacy with God scares me because I don't want God to see inside of me. I don't want God to see my brokenness and woundedness. I want to be better than I am and show that I've been a good steward of his love. Then I recall something I read from St. Therese of Lisieux in A Story of a Soul, "Here is one of those incomprehensible mysteries which we shall only understand in Heaven, where they will be the subject of our eternal admiration. My God, how good Thou art! How well dost Thou suit the trial to our strength!" Because I am loved, because God chooses to bring me closer to him, I am given a trial to which my strengths will assist me. Now, only if I could place what those strengths were.

Through it all, God is often referred to as the "Divine Physician"; if I don't show him what my wounds and scars are, how can I let him heal them? By doing this, I am also accepting of the intimacy that he chooses to share with me. Scary though it may be, it is also beneficial to me as his daughter.